i beat myself up over this. beat myself up trying to feel Him. constantly trying to respond to my feelings of Him as opposed to Him and His Spirit. listening to my feelings, as opposed to Him. we know His voice....but it turns into the age old drama if i simply try to make myself feel Him. it's a human attempting to come to Him, not recieving grace.
i think (she says tenatively) i am learning how to trust and have patience, even (especially) when i can't see or feel. to hear His voice even when i can't feel.
you know, what starts out as brokenness so easily turns into condemnation. i have to stop doubting and questioning....and just trust. i'm tired of pretending. tired of holding perfection up to myself and seeing how i constantly fail. tired of the guilt i don't deserve freedom. i deserve to wallow in this guilt for forever....but Jesus. but Jesus! 'the heavy cross outweighs my sin. the love of Christ, the Saviour King' (hillsong). he came and cut this guilt, shame, and condemnation off my back, out of my heart, life, and soul. cut it off. and it's gone. how do i explain it?? i can't. and this is TRUE unworthiness. not beating yourself up, but realising your brokenness and looking up at That Which Heals....not introspection to the point of death, but realisation turned to worship. one of the greatest words i have heard this week was as follows....'not only has God taken away your sins and no longer remembers them (though this is reason to praise Him enough!) but when He looks at you, He sees CHRIST.' He sees Christ.
oh i'll never have the answers. but that's just fine for me. He has given me Himself instead. the greatest mystery of all time. and a mystery that i am content to live in my whole life.
there has been no great flash or bang. no party or twizzles, no sparklers or fairy lights. only the faintest sense of peace that i am on the right path, though a rather indisinct and winding path it may be....
a song for you....