what do i write here for all the world to see? words form in my head to show how humble i am. how godly. all the amazing revelations i've had....all for what? making myself look good. how aweful. at this point, i just have to laugh at it all. there's someone out there trying to confuse my brain and make me pointless by keeping me in a circle of humble pride. how stupid is he?
yet it's difficult to laugh. because recently i really have become so very aware of my own brokenness. why? why are You still here? He says, 'give it to me. all of it. the shame, sin, pride, hurt, sorrow, burden. give it to me.' i say, 'why??'.....'because I love you.' why? 'because I created you.' why? 'because I love you.'
i just don't understand why He's still here. still choosing to love me. 'quieter than rain, He knows all your pain' (kevin prosch, harp of my heart). 'in repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength'....'the Lord your God is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoyce over you with singing'....'I have made you, I will not forget you, I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like hte morning mist. return to me, for I have redeemed you.'
i kick myself over and over again for breaking and entering my heart and tearing it apart. why do i do this? WHY? the answer didn't come. but something, Someone Else, did. the One who stood before my failures, my shame, my pride, and my brokenness. and He still wants it. He STILL comes and restores. He takes up the broken pieces so tenderly and gently, His own eyes full of pain for me (??) as He does it....how? why? there is no way i could ever ever understand this love. ever. he has made me new again. and will continue to. He who has promised is Faithful. He's in the making-things-new business. it's scary to ask, but Lord your eyes are full of love, so i do....give me devotion to you alone. i don't deserve this all-encompasing beautiful healing. but He covers me with it anyway. i love You, feebly, but i do, my Lord.
what can i give in the face of this beauty? i have nothing. nothing but these tears. so i weep. weep, trusting in your love and forgiveness to restore me. is my pride this glaringly obvious? Lord....Jesus....you are melting my heart more and more. Please....never ever stop.
He is stronger and full of love. higher than any pain or valley of shadow. and stronger. His love is strong. as strong as death and unyeilding as the grave. He pursues with an endless love, an endless grace. my failures are hushed in the presence of His greatness. You are my High Tower. the One To Whom i Run. my Strength. The Glory. the Being Upon Which my Existence, Salvation, and Life is Given and Secured. the Name of Hope. the Means of my Repentence. the End to Which i am Running. the Journey's Beginning and End. the Almighty Transcendence.
the Uncomprehendable Apprehended.
Your love, the mere glimpse of it, astounds me every time. Your beauty is greater to behold, more lovely and stunning, than any other face, scene, or view in all of creation for you created it and all of that beauty lies within your eyes. You are the silence after the storm and during it. You never ever let go. ('and so we never teach the younger generation how to hear the still small voice and fall in love with the invisible God because the spiritual oppression and opposition is just to massive to overcome with a fancy, expensive hight energy production. it's like trying to take out a tank with a bunch of paint-ball guns.....we position ourselves in a place of rest and confidence before the presence of God. we allow ourselves to become the instruments on which He plays His favourite songs' (from burn 24-7).
sweep me away, oh Lord. Jesus, i give you the little i can - the verbal (or textual) declaration of Your glory and recognise and fall down at the remembrance that i don't, within myself, deserve to ask for anything, but you come simply because you love me (have loved me and will love me). You came and because of that i can now come. and when You came, You said to ASK. why? because You love us!
'in Your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
in Your strength You will guide them
to Your holy dwelling.' (exodus 15:13)
(psalm one hundred and twenty-one).