Friday, 26 September 2008


I am going to miss the leaves in the meadows. The leaves, in their beautiful willowy-ness. I love autumn, don't get me wrong....but those leaves. Especially in the wind, in the golden sunset of crispness. Oh they are marvellous. Walking underneath them gives me continual delight.

'Oh!' cried Marrianne, 'with what transporting sensations have I formerly seen them fall! How have I delighted as I walked, to see them driven in showers about me by the wind! What feelings have they, the season, the air altogether inspired! Now there is no one to regard them. They are seen only as a nuisance, swept hastily off, and driven as much as possible from the sight.'
'It is not every one' said Elinor, 'who has your passion for dead leaves.'
-Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

We live in very well-lit rooms. The contrasts are clear. We compare....ourselves to ourselves. What ever happened to the candlelight? To the flickering shadows on the wall? For just one evening I want to be sure. Sure of those flickering lights. Sure of that candlelight. Sure of the shadows. Sure that not everything is proven. Sure that there are things hidden. Sure that some things cannot be penetrated. Sure of life's unsurity.
But no. I am forced to live in a land that leaves no question unanswered. A land of bulbs, of florescence, of ordered deadness.
Break me free. Recover me. That I might live in the shadows and candlight of Your mystery once more.

'Now this is eternal life: that they may KNOW You, the one true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent....I have made You known to them and will continue to make You known in order that the love You have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.' - Jesus (John 17:3,26).

Oh how I long to LIVE IN this mystery. THE Mystery....the eternal life. Knowing's a mystery of knowing the Answer, yet always knowing it deeper and deeper. Never stopping to know. The mystery starts by actually being able to know that there IS the Answer. And when He reveals dwell in that revelation. To worship. For eternity. Oh what a beautiful future we have in Him. For He has given us Himself, and in Him we have found wholeness and rest, grace and truth.

Sometimes I have a very odd sense of country-less-ness that sweeps over me. Disorientation clouds my mind and heart. Where actually IS my home? But then comes a friend or two to the rescue....and all is well. Aslan's country will forever be my home. :)

Goodnight, fair world....

'The Whimsical Lights'

The whimsical lights turn
Turn and move sprightly
To the rhythmn of rustling leaves

There is silence in true beauty
True beauty, I find,
Does not always require words

Sometimes the sky is grey
Sometimes it is full
Of light and love and joy

But always beautiful
Always silent
Always hopeful and pure

Mystery is there
There, lies the rest
Forever in eternity it will be

Scope for the imagination
Images for the feast
To the sound of rushing water

The cathedral of trees overhead
Reminds me, such that
All I have are broken metaphors
Bound up in promises.

Sunday, 14 September 2008


i beat myself up over this. beat myself up trying to feel Him. constantly trying to respond to my feelings of Him as opposed to Him and His Spirit. listening to my feelings, as opposed to Him. we know His voice....but it turns into the age old drama if i simply try to make myself feel Him. it's a human attempting to come to Him, not recieving grace.

i think (she says tenatively) i am learning how to trust and have patience, even (especially) when i can't see or feel. to hear His voice even when i can't feel.

you know, what starts out as brokenness so easily turns into condemnation. i have to stop doubting and questioning....and just trust. i'm tired of pretending. tired of holding perfection up to myself and seeing how i constantly fail. tired of the guilt i don't deserve freedom. i deserve to wallow in this guilt for forever....but Jesus. but Jesus! 'the heavy cross outweighs my sin. the love of Christ, the Saviour King' (hillsong). he came and cut this guilt, shame, and condemnation off my back, out of my heart, life, and soul. cut it off. and it's gone. how do i explain it?? i can't. and this is TRUE unworthiness. not beating yourself up, but realising your brokenness and looking up at That Which Heals....not introspection to the point of death, but realisation turned to worship. one of the greatest words i have heard this week was as follows....'not only has God taken away your sins and no longer remembers them (though this is reason to praise Him enough!) but when He looks at you, He sees CHRIST.' He sees Christ.

oh i'll never have the answers. but that's just fine for me. He has given me Himself instead. the greatest mystery of all time. and a mystery that i am content to live in my whole life.

there has been no great flash or bang. no party or twizzles, no sparklers or fairy lights. only the faintest sense of peace that i am on the right path, though a rather indisinct and winding path it may be....


a song for you....