Sometimes I can't measure the journeys and secret pathways that God leads me on. Sometimes that's frustrating. Do you ever feel like the thing you've been holding out for might never come to pass? That you'll be forever in this waiting, hidden and unable to move forward? I can see the future, that 'city of promises', but how do I get there? What am I supposed to be doing? What should I be doing?.....Do. Do. Do.
So here I am. A year later. Still no job. Still nothing to sink my hands into. Still waiting.
I turn inward asking myself how I've grown and what progress I've made....and it's all rather fuzzy. Like a photo that's out of focus. And maybe that's the point? It's not finished yet. I can't really quantify what this past year has done in my heart, soul, and mind. But somehow I feel it's bigger than that. It's about sitting at His feet, and resting. Worshipping. Sometimes it isn't about the service that we can give, and what we can do....sometimes He wants us all to Himself. I feel like He's always convicting me of this. Christ's gentle hand comes down on my shoulder and He stops me saying, 'Sit down, my dear. Tell me about your day.'
But even with the knowledge that Jesus is here, that I can hear His voice, anxiety grows within me. Tenseness comes. The worries of life press down upon me. I cry out....
'Come Thou down unto me, come and replenish me early with Thy comfort, lest my soul faint for weariness and dryness of mind. This (grace) alone is my strength; this alone giveth counsel and help. This is stronger than all enemies, and wiser than all the wise. Thy grace is the mistress of truth, the teacher of discipline, the light of the heart, the solace in affliction, the banisher of sorrow, the expeller of fear, the nurse of devotion, the mother of tears.'
(Thomas a Kempis)
I've been pondering a lot this past wee while about the emptying of the self, so that the presence and fullness of God Himself can come rushing in. Throughout the day, whenever my heart races or my mind is crushed with the seemingly impossibilities of my circumstances, He has been whispering to me, 'Breathe, my daughter. Breathe. Abide in me, and I will abide in you. Dwell in my rest, and accept my calm.'
'My daughter, the more thou canst go out of thyself, so much the more wilt thou be able to enter into me. As to be devoid of all desire of external things, produceth inward peace, so the forsaking of ourselves inwardly, joineth us unto God...Follow thou me: "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life." Without the Way, there is no going; without the Truth, there is no knowing; without the Life, there is no living. I am the Way, to which thou oughtest to follow; the Truth, which thou oughtest to trust; the Life, which thou oughtest to hope for. I am the Inviolable Way, the Infallible Truth, the True, the Blessed, the Uncreated Life. If thou abide in my way, thou shalt know the Truth, and the Truth shall make thee free, and thou shalt attain eternal life.'
(Thomas a Kempis)
It's the accepting that's hard, though, isn't it? Sometimes I find the love of the Father too great. Too glorious. And the love of those He's placed about me is too overwhelming.....Why is it so hard to accept? Perhaps that's a question for another time.
'His will is our peace: it is the sea
into which all currents and streams
empty themselves, for eternity.'
When Anxiety is Great Within Me....
Heart-tenseness swallows my sight as
My rigid limbs refuse to obey commands;
Furrowed brows of lost pathways
Through the mind's agitated rememberings.
My throat closes over, restricting
Breaths, shallow in the heat of thought
Swirling, whirling, twisting, falling,
Dark. Yet ever awake and watchful.
Tired eyes strain to glimpse a ray,
Hope traded on the market of fear,
Cheaply consumed; compressed, confused.
Anxiety? Why have you beset me?
I want to melt in to nothingness;
To turn away from this path,
My heart sick with hopelessness.
I feel betrayed, forgotten, alone.
'So did I,' whispers the still,
Quiet Voice. Gentle. Humble.
'In the night of my soul,
The cup was (too) bitter.'
'But in three suns' and moons' distance
Life came pouring into my fibre.
The crushing power of peace
Restored the muchness of me.'
'I AM (who was the I WAS and
Will be the I WILL BE)
Able, un-overwhelmed, victorious.
And that same muchness is yours, eternally.'
....Your consolation brings joy to my soul (Psalm 94:19).