Broken Tears.

I can weep no more,
The cascade has finished.
My eyes flutter open
To a performance of dust.

I smile, I laugh
Inside I shake and grieve;
Grieve for my heart,
Torn and shattered.

                             If only I could cry one tear.
                             If only I could speak one fear.

My tongue has been tied;
Knot upon knot binds
My soul from speaking,
My lips voice only lies.


I thought You promised
an end, a beginning.
Surely it's Spring's turn for
Winter has ravished me.


                             Broken tears surround
                             My fears, as waves pound.


My power lifeless beside me,
Unable to lift its head.
Measured breaths, shallow lungs;
A silenced voice, heavy ears.


Tears, bottled and labeled,
Fetching a fair price.
The precious liquid sold;
Validated worthlessness. 


                               Poured onto parched land,
                               Futile dust in my hand.


The wind begins to blow
Whispers, whispers rushing
Through my soul
Of a Voice I used to know.


Echoes from the past,
Images flicker by;
My eyes remember 
A distant, courageous song.


                              Fading and growing,
                              Persistently flowing.


Quietly, quietly Your eyes
Stir my heart
The Beginning has arrived
And the Light of Glory invades.


Incessantly through my defenses
The Truth cuts and divides
I gasp for breath as
The cool grass caresses my face.


                              The wind of grace
                              Fills this space.


Draw to this quiet meadow,
Upon this silent hill
Purple and blue fill the sky
And my heart tentatively beats.


Questions unanswered, sorrow remains
But Your hand is outstretched
And I have seen your eyes
Full of broken tears of grace.


                                I lay by a tree,
                                As the tears flow free.






I wrote this almost a year ago as I listened to this song. It's such a vivid song, if you know what I mean. Anyway....Here are some other words that I read last night that say it miles better and in a much simpler way (isn't that generally the case?).....


For He is the Very Rest.
God wishes to be known,
And it pleases Him that
We rest in Him;
For all that is beneath Him
Will never satisfy us.
Therefore no soul is rested
Till it is emptied of all things
that are made.
When, for love of Him,
It is empty,
The soul can
Receive His deep rest.
-Julian of Norwich, 14th century

tea for one.

Hello. 

I was taking a nap in the conservatory this afternoon in the sun and all the sudden a monsoon was let loose. I figured there was no better time for a cup of tea than that. And of course, it must be done properly. Michelle, you would be proud. :)

I like being alone. If this past year has taught me nothing else, it's that. I was always that loner child who went away upstairs to finish her book (or finish that story she was making up with her dolls....if I'm honest). I do enjoy disappearing into a story by myself. I love shopping by myself, poking about in old bookstores and 'nesting' shops (you know what I mean....). And nothing is quite as delicious as walking by myself, meandering through the streets and hazy corners of the lovely city I am so privileged to live in just now.

But I do come to the point where I tire of myself. I find that my own company can get both tedious and, if it wills, can take a dangerous turn. As much as I love to contemplate, analyse, theorise, and ponder....I find that my mind can so very easily fall into 'the depths of despair' (as Anne Shirley would so dramatically phrase it). I look into myself, I look about me,....and ultimately, as nice and glorious as walks, books, and beautiful things are....there's something that remains unfulfilled in me. A longing that burns, insatiable within me. I speak of the longing of intimacy, the longing to be known and to know. Have you ever felt this well up in your soul? The longing to freely, and without fear, be wholly vulnerable before someone. 

Do you ever get despairing when you look about you? When you see all the pain and hurt? I guess living in a city throws it in my face on a daily basis. But to be honest, just living in a family does that too. Disfunction, hurt, and selfishness plays out on the small stage as well as the universal one. 

It is almost worse, though, when you look to yourself for comfort (for those little things in life that bring you joy and consolation) and you can no longer find it. Beauty and joy in the enjoyment of life - the long walks, the good food, the cup of coffee, the well written book - are wonderful, don't get me wrong....but they can never fully console my heart when it feels alone. When the loneliness creeps up on my almost unawares and a shadow descends. Or when the despair at my own twisted and tangled mess of a heart slowly drains the hope I have for the future, the joy at any prospect or any bend in the road, out of me. 

What do I do then? To where, to whom, do I turn? 

And I think here lies the choice in paths. There are three places that I can look to. I, myself, can attempt to patch up, to infuse with life through the various ways that usually ignite my soul. If that fails, I can look to the gloriously beautiful saints that surround me. Deep friendship rarely disappoints and can fulfill the longing in ways that being alone can't (they fulfill different aspects of the longing, I think)....But my fears are too big; my insecurities loom too large for any one person (myself or other) to quell. The condemnation my own heart breathes upon me is too great, the burden of pain is too heavy. 

Why do I find that life can so easily be sucked out of me? The wind can so quickly die away. Why is that? 

And so I turn. Before me lies the last path. And yes, it is the road less traveled by. I think I am beginning to understand why. It is a road that calls for a balance between loneliness and parasitical dependence, between self-sufficiency and self-indulgence, between drawing away into a fortress and letting all the walls crumble down. The hardest part about this road? It calls for an open and vulnerable heart, yet a recognition that to live in that way is beyond your own means. Along this way, I am required to live in such a way that I am free from my own binding self-enamorment, yet recognising that I am completely dependent upon Someone else to supply the ability to repair and restore the brokenness that will be encountered from leading a life that cares not if it is called to give up all. 

How is this done? 

I come back to the longing. The longing to be known and to know. The only place that I find the freedom and ability to live along that path, is when I surrender all. When I surrender my self-consciousness, my self-loathing, my self-obsessions, at the feet of the One who has been faithful to me my whole life. Jesus. This Man. This God. It is at His feet alone that I find freedom from myself, for it is at His feet alone that I am KNOWN. I can set my heart at rest in His presence because He is greater than my heart and He knows everything (1 John). And when He looks at my heart, He does not condemn it. 'Thou art not more holy, though thou be praised; nor the more worthless, though thou be dispraised. What thou art, that thou art; neither canst thou be said to be greater than what thou art in the sight of God. If thou considers what thou art within thee, thou wilt not care what man say of thee' (Thomas a Kempis, 'The Imitation of Christ'). It is when Jesus speaks to me of my value in His eyes, when I look up into His face and know that I am known....That is when I find I have the strength to stand up, a wee bit unsteadily, but standing up nonetheless.

Now, the other half of that longing....to know? Well....the most incredible thing is that this God-Man promises to us that we can KNOW Him. And that knowledge of Him IS ETERNAL LIFE. 'Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent' (John 17). 

 And that....that right there, enables me to not just stand there gazing into His face, the glory of which will never grow dim.....No....not only that, but I find strength that is not my own begin to course through my veins; and a smile finds itself upon my face that is reflective of the smile I find on His. It is in the freedom of the knowledge that all my strength and all my joy and all my purpose comes from Him alone. Our Lord and Saviour is glorious, is He not? And when He is present, all fears are loved away. For He Himself is our Perfect Love. 'When Jesus is present, all is well, and nothing seems difficult; but when Jesus is absent, everything is hard. When Jesus speaks not inwardly to us, all other comfort is without value; but if Jesus speaks but one word, we feel great consolation...He that findeth Jesus findeth a good treasure, yea, a Good above all good...thou oughtest to be naked and open before God, ever carrying thy pure heart toward Him, if thou wouldest be free to consider and see how sweet the Lord is' (Thomas a Kempis, 'The Imitation of Christ'). For the 'pure in heart shall see God' (Matthew)....and that purity comes from covenant that Jesus bound Himself to with us when He rose again. 

And that....that path....I choose Him. It's an hourly thing, I find....but even in the darkness or uncertainty, the shifting fog or dull complacency,....I choose Him. 

'And truly, unless thou be prevented and drawn by His grace, thou shalt never attain to that happiness to forsake and cast off all, that thou alone mayest be united to Him alone. For when the grace of God cometh unto a woman, then she is made able to do all things....in this case, thou oughtest not to be dejected, not to despair; but in God's will to resist steadily, and whatever comes upon thee, to endure it for the glory of Jesus Christ; for after winter followeth summer, after night the day returneth, and after a tempest, a great calm' (Thomas a Kempis, 'The Imitation of Christ'). 


Wow....apologies for the length. I should update more frequently so it isn't such a mega-splurge! :)

A Breath Caught.

Sometimes I find it hard to be transparent on the page. Sometimes I wish I could just open up my life, like a zipper, and be honest with everyone. Do you ever feel boxed in? Trapped? Tied down? In the haze of my own perspectives I find I am lost in all that I find wrong with myself. I've realised in the past couple of days how truly crippling self-loathing and self-accusation can be. I feel like a self-obsessed monster railing about inside skin, whilst on the outside I long to appear nice, lovely, and caring to all. And then I try to fight that monster and feel condemned because of her beastliness. In other words, I condemn myself for feeling bad about my shame.....I 'should be' over this, shouldn't I? I think it's easy to be disguisted with myself. I've been questioning why I care for people. Is it because I care or because I want people to think I care and because it will make me feel better because it is the right thing to do? Like it's a kind of compensation for something.

Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm talking in circles....maybe I am. It must be the fine line between receiving conviction and turing it into self-condemnation. It's exhausting demanding perfection from yourself when you won't ever be. Do you ever get tired of the up and down? Don't you wish you could just live in refreshing all the time?

JESUS.

So it comes to the point where I cry out to Him. And I'm ashamed to say it isn't necessarily because I want to. I almost want to run away and hide because of my shame. This self-condemnation and sin that I feel piled on top of me. I feel so dirty and, like Adam and Eve, just want to hide away. But oh how much I need You. So I turn to Him (again) because it's the only place I know to go. I need You.....I need You to be my Saviour. Today, as every day. I don't deserve to even breathe. But you call us to lay our burdens down at your feet and with You find life, freedom, forgiveness, love, and GRACE. So I cry out for help. Help me to take the healthy level of conviction and let the condemnation roll away.

And then it comes. As ever. Forever. Even if it isn't consistent at the moment, and even if I wish I could dwell in it forever, getting frustrated at myself because I don't know why it keeps disappearing. His voice. When I feel the most full of shame and disgrace, He comes and says, 'Who you are is acceptable to Me.' Say what?? Do you all remember that story of the sinful woman who bathes Jesus' feet in her perfume and tears, wiping away the dirt with her own hair? Jesus, You said, 'Simon, I have something to tell you....I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.' Growing up, I always equated myself to the one who loves little because I don't have a mega-uber-awesome-sounding story to tell....just a quiet story of God's faithfulness and grace towards me. But the more I condemn myself and pour hot shame onto my soul in self-inflicted penance for all I find wrong and ugly in my heart, I realise.....I identify with that sinful woman. I feel so dirty. So unworthy. So unlovely to my very core. Jesus, You go on to say, 'Your sins are forgiven'. When all the other guests question and challenge Your actions after that, You simply ignore them and say to her, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.' (Luke 7:36-50). And that same faith You pour into our hearts (Ephesians 2). Go in peace. The more our sin overwhelms us, the more we should RUN to Him. Lay it down at His feet again. At the throne of mercy....clutching only to the promise of His grace. For it is when my sin paralyses me in self-loathing and accusation that these words call out their beautiful freedom....'You are forgiven. Your sins, your many many sinse are forgiven. Go in peace. The faith I have given you has saved you because you came to Me to receive. I will never, ever stop loving you.'

His grace catches my breath and lays waste to my soul again. I write now not out of a place of steady refreshing (I'd still quite like to run away - it's been the plan for a couple of years now, actually)....but I do write out of a new found peace in my own brokenness.  So I leave you with a prayer. A prayer that Christ will keep our hearts from dwelling in condemnation, and ever to live in the endless freedom of His grace and mercy.

Here's a song of honesty that has been ringing about in the hidden crevices of my heart for the past twenty-four hours.

Dear neglected blank canvas,

    I have not discounted thee,
    Though I wander and I fret.
    Thy heart is still dear to me,
    Even when I seem to forget.
 
    Time, Time, it ever rushes
    Onward, permeating and pulling.
    The reaches of my mind it pushes
    Me, almost to breaking. 

   Yet I shall return,
   One day near at hand
   And maybe I shall learn
   How to stop and stand.

   For my mind is rekindled and bright;
   My soul? Liberated daily.
   Shall I be still for this Light,
   That calls to me so wondrously?

   I answer firmly assured
   That Time shall not defeat
   Thy voice; for it has secured
   My own heart's faltering beat.

               I shall write to thee soon....

Love and Friendship

Being in community is hard. It's tough man. Sometimes it's painful to open up, to surrender, to be vulnerable, and to show the not-so-well-put-together pieces of your heart. To tear away. But in the end, it's the most glorious way to live your life. 

These past two weeks I have felt so very loved, so surrounded. For us, in the community of the love of Christ, when we are perplexed, we are not in despair or abandoned. And this past wee while has taught me that a major reason why that is, is because of those who Christ places around our hearts. 


This is not to say that people take the place of Christ in our affections, but they are certainly the holiest and most glorious incarnation of Him in our lives. We are the very image of God, right? And I just want to say how very thankful I am for those that He has placed in my life - past, present, and future....you are all beautiful to me. 'Thankful' seems like such a cheap word, when I consider the depth of what I feel for the people who have surrounded me.....but it's the best I can do. 

The bond of friendship is strong, dear hearts. Let us abide in the strength of Love that has been placed in our hearts. Rest in it. Love has come into our hearts, and that is how we shall be known as His - by our love for each other. 







'So now I am stuck between hating to let go, and just feeling lucky I have you to miss.' 
(Credit to Jane Austen for the title of this post....haha). 

With the Dawn of Redeeming Grace.

For the past week, my heart has been drawn back again and again to this verse....

'It is good for our hearts to be 
          strengthened 
                      by grace.'
                          (Hebrews 13:9)


Even when our hearts yearn deeply in the waiting, even when the sorrow seems too much to bear, and even when the future is frail....We are safe. Dear brother and sister, you can be certain of that for your Hope is firm and secure. We have reached our Safe Harbour, our Desired Haven, for He has come down and reached for us. It's amazing how one can have these same revelations in deeper and newer ways continuously....the revelation of Jesus' everlasting and abiding grace. He is strong enough to keep us and hold us, for WE ARE HIS. 
As I walked the dog a couple days after Christmas, I walked past the dentist before 9 am and saw people working there....And I was suddenly afraid I would succumb and forever be doing a job that slowly and surely kills my soul, never moving on or doing what I am meant to do because of fear or indecision. I know that's an unfair judgment on some who have no choice (and not connected whatsoever to dentists!!), but it was what brought up this fear in me. I can sometimes feel like anything I've been blessed with is squandered. Like my life is on hold. And then I read lines like these, 'Think not so much of yourself as a branch, nor of the abiding as your duty, until you have first had your soul filled with the faith of what Christ as the Vine is.' (Andrew Murray, 'Abide in Christ').

REMEMBER. Oh remember my soul, what Christ did for you. How He has SAVED and REDEEMED you when you were but a stranger to His courts. Now look and see, you dwell among His spendour - and indeed IN it (and IT in you!!). Fear not, then, oh my soul....but TRUST. 'Ask the Father by the Holy Ghost to reveal to you what a glorious, loving, mighty Christ this is, in whom you have your place and your life; it is the faith in what Christ is, more than anything else that will keep you abiding in Him.' He told me the other morning, as I was again despairing and doubting, to stop looking at my own heart, and look at His. Accept the faith to trust in Hope again. 


So all that to say, I encourage you (as I, too, am encouraged!) to let your heart be strengthened again by grace. I know that, for me at least, when our hearts have been pierced as with many arrows it can be seemingly impossible to trust in that way again. But remember, dear heart, we are placing our trust in The Trustworthy One. I pray that in this time of new beginnings, your heart may be awoken anew again to the beauties of our Lord's grace - the strength and might and glory of it!

'A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever....'

'.....It's loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness.'

(John Keats)

 'God's finger can touch nothing but to mould it into loveliness.'

(George Macdonald)

 'God hides nothing. His very work from the beginning

is revelation - a casting aside of veil after veil, a showing

unto men of truth after truth. on and on from fact Divine

He advances, until at length in His Son Jesus He unveils

His very face.'

(George Macdonald)

'God Himself - His thougths, His will, His love, His judgements are men's home. to think His thougths, to choose His will, to judge His judgments, and thus to k,now that He is in us, with us, is to be at home. And to pass through the valey of the shadow of death is the way home, but only thus, that as all changes have hitherto led us nearer to this home, the knowledge of God, so this greatest of all outward changes - for it is but an outward change - will surely usher us into a region where there will be fresh possibilities of drawing night in heart, soul, and mind to the Father of us all.'

(George Macdonald)

I was just thinking this morning on my run in the rain....Jesus....Let this Christmas be full to the brim of the knowledge of Your presence. Let the very light of Your face overwhelm us, Lord. Let the unutterable glory of the Incarnation sweep over our eyes and capture our hearts and minds, enabling us to give You the honour and majesty due Your name....our humbe, Servant King of Kings.

'In our world too, a Stable once had something inside it that was bigger than our whole world.'

(Lucy Pevensie, The Last Battle)

Further up and further in.