I am going to miss the leaves in the meadows. The leaves, in their beautiful willowy-ness. I love autumn, don't get me wrong....but those leaves. Especially in the wind, in the golden sunset of crispness. Oh they are marvellous. Walking underneath them gives me continual delight.
'Oh!' cried Marrianne, 'with what transporting sensations have I formerly seen them fall! How have I delighted as I walked, to see them driven in showers about me by the wind! What feelings have they, the season, the air altogether inspired! Now there is no one to regard them. They are seen only as a nuisance, swept hastily off, and driven as much as possible from the sight.'
'It is not every one' said Elinor, 'who has your passion for dead leaves.'
-Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen
We live in very well-lit rooms. The contrasts are clear. We compare....ourselves to ourselves. What ever happened to the candlelight? To the flickering shadows on the wall? For just one evening I want to be sure. Sure of those flickering lights. Sure of that candlelight. Sure of the shadows. Sure that not everything is proven. Sure that there are things hidden. Sure that some things cannot be penetrated. Sure of life's unsurity.
But no. I am forced to live in a land that leaves no question unanswered. A land of bulbs, of florescence, of ordered deadness.
Break me free. Recover me. That I might live in the shadows and candlight of Your mystery once more.
'Now this is eternal life: that they may KNOW You, the one true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent....I have made You known to them and will continue to make You known in order that the love You have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.' - Jesus (John 17:3,26).
Oh how I long to LIVE IN this mystery. THE Mystery....the eternal life. Knowing Him....it's a mystery of knowing the Answer, yet always knowing it deeper and deeper. Never stopping to know. The mystery starts by actually being able to know that there IS the Answer. And when He reveals Himself....to dwell in that revelation. To worship. For eternity. Oh what a beautiful future we have in Him. For He has given us Himself, and in Him we have found wholeness and rest, grace and truth.
Sometimes I have a very odd sense of country-less-ness that sweeps over me. Disorientation clouds my mind and heart. Where actually IS my home? But then comes a friend or two to the rescue....and all is well. Aslan's country will forever be my home. :)
Goodnight, fair world....
'The Whimsical Lights'
The whimsical lights turn
Turn and move sprightly
To the rhythmn of rustling leaves
There is silence in true beauty
True beauty, I find,
Does not always require words
Sometimes the sky is grey
Sometimes it is full
Of light and love and joy
But always beautiful
Always silent
Always hopeful and pure
Mystery is there
There, lies the rest
Forever in eternity it will be
Scope for the imagination
Images for the feast
To the sound of rushing water
The cathedral of trees overhead
Reminds me, such that
All I have are broken metaphors
Bound up in promises.
Friday, 26 September 2008
Sunday, 14 September 2008
feelingness
i beat myself up over this. beat myself up trying to feel Him. constantly trying to respond to my feelings of Him as opposed to Him and His Spirit. listening to my feelings, as opposed to Him. we know His voice....but it turns into the age old drama if i simply try to make myself feel Him. it's a human attempting to come to Him, not recieving grace.
i think (she says tenatively) i am learning how to trust and have patience, even (especially) when i can't see or feel. to hear His voice even when i can't feel.
you know, what starts out as brokenness so easily turns into condemnation. i have to stop doubting and questioning....and just trust. i'm tired of pretending. tired of holding perfection up to myself and seeing how i constantly fail. tired of the guilt i don't deserve freedom. i deserve to wallow in this guilt for forever....but Jesus. but Jesus! 'the heavy cross outweighs my sin. the love of Christ, the Saviour King' (hillsong). he came and cut this guilt, shame, and condemnation off my back, out of my heart, life, and soul. cut it off. and it's gone. how do i explain it?? i can't. and this is TRUE unworthiness. not beating yourself up, but realising your brokenness and looking up at That Which Heals....not introspection to the point of death, but realisation turned to worship. one of the greatest words i have heard this week was as follows....'not only has God taken away your sins and no longer remembers them (though this is reason to praise Him enough!) but when He looks at you, He sees CHRIST.' He sees Christ.
how?
oh i'll never have the answers. but that's just fine for me. He has given me Himself instead. the greatest mystery of all time. and a mystery that i am content to live in my whole life.
there has been no great flash or bang. no party or twizzles, no sparklers or fairy lights. only the faintest sense of peace that i am on the right path, though a rather indisinct and winding path it may be....
-grace
a song for you....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eg-AlKyz3E&feature=related
i think (she says tenatively) i am learning how to trust and have patience, even (especially) when i can't see or feel. to hear His voice even when i can't feel.
you know, what starts out as brokenness so easily turns into condemnation. i have to stop doubting and questioning....and just trust. i'm tired of pretending. tired of holding perfection up to myself and seeing how i constantly fail. tired of the guilt i don't deserve freedom. i deserve to wallow in this guilt for forever....but Jesus. but Jesus! 'the heavy cross outweighs my sin. the love of Christ, the Saviour King' (hillsong). he came and cut this guilt, shame, and condemnation off my back, out of my heart, life, and soul. cut it off. and it's gone. how do i explain it?? i can't. and this is TRUE unworthiness. not beating yourself up, but realising your brokenness and looking up at That Which Heals....not introspection to the point of death, but realisation turned to worship. one of the greatest words i have heard this week was as follows....'not only has God taken away your sins and no longer remembers them (though this is reason to praise Him enough!) but when He looks at you, He sees CHRIST.' He sees Christ.
how?
oh i'll never have the answers. but that's just fine for me. He has given me Himself instead. the greatest mystery of all time. and a mystery that i am content to live in my whole life.
there has been no great flash or bang. no party or twizzles, no sparklers or fairy lights. only the faintest sense of peace that i am on the right path, though a rather indisinct and winding path it may be....
-grace
a song for you....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eg-AlKyz3E&feature=related
Monday, 25 August 2008
haughty insolence.
what do i write here for all the world to see? words form in my head to show how humble i am. how godly. all the amazing revelations i've had....all for what? making myself look good. how aweful. at this point, i just have to laugh at it all. there's someone out there trying to confuse my brain and make me pointless by keeping me in a circle of humble pride. how stupid is he?
yet it's difficult to laugh. because recently i really have become so very aware of my own brokenness. why? why are You still here? He says, 'give it to me. all of it. the shame, sin, pride, hurt, sorrow, burden. give it to me.' i say, 'why??'.....'because I love you.' why? 'because I created you.' why? 'because I love you.'
HOW?? WHY?
i just don't understand why He's still here. still choosing to love me. 'quieter than rain, He knows all your pain' (kevin prosch, harp of my heart). 'in repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength'....'the Lord your God is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoyce over you with singing'....'I have made you, I will not forget you, I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like hte morning mist. return to me, for I have redeemed you.'
i kick myself over and over again for breaking and entering my heart and tearing it apart. why do i do this? WHY? the answer didn't come. but something, Someone Else, did. the One who stood before my failures, my shame, my pride, and my brokenness. and He still wants it. He STILL comes and restores. He takes up the broken pieces so tenderly and gently, His own eyes full of pain for me (??) as He does it....how? why? there is no way i could ever ever understand this love. ever. he has made me new again. and will continue to. He who has promised is Faithful. He's in the making-things-new business. it's scary to ask, but Lord your eyes are full of love, so i do....give me devotion to you alone. i don't deserve this all-encompasing beautiful healing. but He covers me with it anyway. i love You, feebly, but i do, my Lord.
what can i give in the face of this beauty? i have nothing. nothing but these tears. so i weep. weep, trusting in your love and forgiveness to restore me. is my pride this glaringly obvious? Lord....Jesus....you are melting my heart more and more. Please....never ever stop.
He is stronger and full of love. higher than any pain or valley of shadow. and stronger. His love is strong. as strong as death and unyeilding as the grave. He pursues with an endless love, an endless grace. my failures are hushed in the presence of His greatness. You are my High Tower. the One To Whom i Run. my Strength. The Glory. the Being Upon Which my Existence, Salvation, and Life is Given and Secured. the Name of Hope. the Means of my Repentence. the End to Which i am Running. the Journey's Beginning and End. the Almighty Transcendence.
the Uncomprehendable Apprehended.
Your love, the mere glimpse of it, astounds me every time. Your beauty is greater to behold, more lovely and stunning, than any other face, scene, or view in all of creation for you created it and all of that beauty lies within your eyes. You are the silence after the storm and during it. You never ever let go. ('and so we never teach the younger generation how to hear the still small voice and fall in love with the invisible God because the spiritual oppression and opposition is just to massive to overcome with a fancy, expensive hight energy production. it's like trying to take out a tank with a bunch of paint-ball guns.....we position ourselves in a place of rest and confidence before the presence of God. we allow ourselves to become the instruments on which He plays His favourite songs' (from burn 24-7).
sweep me away, oh Lord. Jesus, i give you the little i can - the verbal (or textual) declaration of Your glory and recognise and fall down at the remembrance that i don't, within myself, deserve to ask for anything, but you come simply because you love me (have loved me and will love me). You came and because of that i can now come. and when You came, You said to ASK. why? because You love us!
'in Your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
in Your strength You will guide them
to Your holy dwelling.' (exodus 15:13)
-grace
(psalm one hundred and twenty-one).
yet it's difficult to laugh. because recently i really have become so very aware of my own brokenness. why? why are You still here? He says, 'give it to me. all of it. the shame, sin, pride, hurt, sorrow, burden. give it to me.' i say, 'why??'.....'because I love you.' why? 'because I created you.' why? 'because I love you.'
HOW?? WHY?
i just don't understand why He's still here. still choosing to love me. 'quieter than rain, He knows all your pain' (kevin prosch, harp of my heart). 'in repentence and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength'....'the Lord your God is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoyce over you with singing'....'I have made you, I will not forget you, I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like hte morning mist. return to me, for I have redeemed you.'
i kick myself over and over again for breaking and entering my heart and tearing it apart. why do i do this? WHY? the answer didn't come. but something, Someone Else, did. the One who stood before my failures, my shame, my pride, and my brokenness. and He still wants it. He STILL comes and restores. He takes up the broken pieces so tenderly and gently, His own eyes full of pain for me (??) as He does it....how? why? there is no way i could ever ever understand this love. ever. he has made me new again. and will continue to. He who has promised is Faithful. He's in the making-things-new business. it's scary to ask, but Lord your eyes are full of love, so i do....give me devotion to you alone. i don't deserve this all-encompasing beautiful healing. but He covers me with it anyway. i love You, feebly, but i do, my Lord.
what can i give in the face of this beauty? i have nothing. nothing but these tears. so i weep. weep, trusting in your love and forgiveness to restore me. is my pride this glaringly obvious? Lord....Jesus....you are melting my heart more and more. Please....never ever stop.
He is stronger and full of love. higher than any pain or valley of shadow. and stronger. His love is strong. as strong as death and unyeilding as the grave. He pursues with an endless love, an endless grace. my failures are hushed in the presence of His greatness. You are my High Tower. the One To Whom i Run. my Strength. The Glory. the Being Upon Which my Existence, Salvation, and Life is Given and Secured. the Name of Hope. the Means of my Repentence. the End to Which i am Running. the Journey's Beginning and End. the Almighty Transcendence.
the Uncomprehendable Apprehended.
Your love, the mere glimpse of it, astounds me every time. Your beauty is greater to behold, more lovely and stunning, than any other face, scene, or view in all of creation for you created it and all of that beauty lies within your eyes. You are the silence after the storm and during it. You never ever let go. ('and so we never teach the younger generation how to hear the still small voice and fall in love with the invisible God because the spiritual oppression and opposition is just to massive to overcome with a fancy, expensive hight energy production. it's like trying to take out a tank with a bunch of paint-ball guns.....we position ourselves in a place of rest and confidence before the presence of God. we allow ourselves to become the instruments on which He plays His favourite songs' (from burn 24-7).
sweep me away, oh Lord. Jesus, i give you the little i can - the verbal (or textual) declaration of Your glory and recognise and fall down at the remembrance that i don't, within myself, deserve to ask for anything, but you come simply because you love me (have loved me and will love me). You came and because of that i can now come. and when You came, You said to ASK. why? because You love us!
'in Your unfailing love you will lead
the people you have redeemed.
in Your strength You will guide them
to Your holy dwelling.' (exodus 15:13)
-grace
(psalm one hundred and twenty-one).
Thursday, 17 July 2008
why?
so after a year of being off the blogging front, i have decided to come back. why?? i don't really know. just kinda felt like it. i don't know who will read this, what the purpose of this will be be. but on a rainy, cold summer afternoon in edinburgh, i decided to do it. and on a day, too, when words seem to be clogged up. sputtering out as if the milk has run dry at the end of the straw....
all i can say, is that at this moment, i can remember. finally. remember, as if awaking, slowly, to the slow, soft pattering of rain. waking up to His heart for me. waking up again, learning to remember His love. but the question is, will i let Him remind me? will i allow this love to permeate again? i think i will. it's like reading over old letters. remembering what they've said to you and who you were at the time of recieving them. but oh so much deeper. He is the Name of Hope. the Almighty Transcendence. i should trust, shouldn't i?
-grace
all i can say, is that at this moment, i can remember. finally. remember, as if awaking, slowly, to the slow, soft pattering of rain. waking up to His heart for me. waking up again, learning to remember His love. but the question is, will i let Him remind me? will i allow this love to permeate again? i think i will. it's like reading over old letters. remembering what they've said to you and who you were at the time of recieving them. but oh so much deeper. He is the Name of Hope. the Almighty Transcendence. i should trust, shouldn't i?
-grace
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)