A Breath Caught.

Sometimes I find it hard to be transparent on the page. Sometimes I wish I could just open up my life, like a zipper, and be honest with everyone. Do you ever feel boxed in? Trapped? Tied down? In the haze of my own perspectives I find I am lost in all that I find wrong with myself. I've realised in the past couple of days how truly crippling self-loathing and self-accusation can be. I feel like a self-obsessed monster railing about inside skin, whilst on the outside I long to appear nice, lovely, and caring to all. And then I try to fight that monster and feel condemned because of her beastliness. In other words, I condemn myself for feeling bad about my shame.....I 'should be' over this, shouldn't I? I think it's easy to be disguisted with myself. I've been questioning why I care for people. Is it because I care or because I want people to think I care and because it will make me feel better because it is the right thing to do? Like it's a kind of compensation for something.

Do you know what I mean? I feel like I'm talking in circles....maybe I am. It must be the fine line between receiving conviction and turing it into self-condemnation. It's exhausting demanding perfection from yourself when you won't ever be. Do you ever get tired of the up and down? Don't you wish you could just live in refreshing all the time?

JESUS.

So it comes to the point where I cry out to Him. And I'm ashamed to say it isn't necessarily because I want to. I almost want to run away and hide because of my shame. This self-condemnation and sin that I feel piled on top of me. I feel so dirty and, like Adam and Eve, just want to hide away. But oh how much I need You. So I turn to Him (again) because it's the only place I know to go. I need You.....I need You to be my Saviour. Today, as every day. I don't deserve to even breathe. But you call us to lay our burdens down at your feet and with You find life, freedom, forgiveness, love, and GRACE. So I cry out for help. Help me to take the healthy level of conviction and let the condemnation roll away.

And then it comes. As ever. Forever. Even if it isn't consistent at the moment, and even if I wish I could dwell in it forever, getting frustrated at myself because I don't know why it keeps disappearing. His voice. When I feel the most full of shame and disgrace, He comes and says, 'Who you are is acceptable to Me.' Say what?? Do you all remember that story of the sinful woman who bathes Jesus' feet in her perfume and tears, wiping away the dirt with her own hair? Jesus, You said, 'Simon, I have something to tell you....I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.' Growing up, I always equated myself to the one who loves little because I don't have a mega-uber-awesome-sounding story to tell....just a quiet story of God's faithfulness and grace towards me. But the more I condemn myself and pour hot shame onto my soul in self-inflicted penance for all I find wrong and ugly in my heart, I realise.....I identify with that sinful woman. I feel so dirty. So unworthy. So unlovely to my very core. Jesus, You go on to say, 'Your sins are forgiven'. When all the other guests question and challenge Your actions after that, You simply ignore them and say to her, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.' (Luke 7:36-50). And that same faith You pour into our hearts (Ephesians 2). Go in peace. The more our sin overwhelms us, the more we should RUN to Him. Lay it down at His feet again. At the throne of mercy....clutching only to the promise of His grace. For it is when my sin paralyses me in self-loathing and accusation that these words call out their beautiful freedom....'You are forgiven. Your sins, your many many sinse are forgiven. Go in peace. The faith I have given you has saved you because you came to Me to receive. I will never, ever stop loving you.'

His grace catches my breath and lays waste to my soul again. I write now not out of a place of steady refreshing (I'd still quite like to run away - it's been the plan for a couple of years now, actually)....but I do write out of a new found peace in my own brokenness.  So I leave you with a prayer. A prayer that Christ will keep our hearts from dwelling in condemnation, and ever to live in the endless freedom of His grace and mercy.

Here's a song of honesty that has been ringing about in the hidden crevices of my heart for the past twenty-four hours.

Dear neglected blank canvas,

    I have not discounted thee,
    Though I wander and I fret.
    Thy heart is still dear to me,
    Even when I seem to forget.
 
    Time, Time, it ever rushes
    Onward, permeating and pulling.
    The reaches of my mind it pushes
    Me, almost to breaking. 

   Yet I shall return,
   One day near at hand
   And maybe I shall learn
   How to stop and stand.

   For my mind is rekindled and bright;
   My soul? Liberated daily.
   Shall I be still for this Light,
   That calls to me so wondrously?

   I answer firmly assured
   That Time shall not defeat
   Thy voice; for it has secured
   My own heart's faltering beat.

               I shall write to thee soon....

Love and Friendship

Being in community is hard. It's tough man. Sometimes it's painful to open up, to surrender, to be vulnerable, and to show the not-so-well-put-together pieces of your heart. To tear away. But in the end, it's the most glorious way to live your life. 

These past two weeks I have felt so very loved, so surrounded. For us, in the community of the love of Christ, when we are perplexed, we are not in despair or abandoned. And this past wee while has taught me that a major reason why that is, is because of those who Christ places around our hearts. 


This is not to say that people take the place of Christ in our affections, but they are certainly the holiest and most glorious incarnation of Him in our lives. We are the very image of God, right? And I just want to say how very thankful I am for those that He has placed in my life - past, present, and future....you are all beautiful to me. 'Thankful' seems like such a cheap word, when I consider the depth of what I feel for the people who have surrounded me.....but it's the best I can do. 

The bond of friendship is strong, dear hearts. Let us abide in the strength of Love that has been placed in our hearts. Rest in it. Love has come into our hearts, and that is how we shall be known as His - by our love for each other. 







'So now I am stuck between hating to let go, and just feeling lucky I have you to miss.' 
(Credit to Jane Austen for the title of this post....haha). 

With the Dawn of Redeeming Grace.

For the past week, my heart has been drawn back again and again to this verse....

'It is good for our hearts to be 
          strengthened 
                      by grace.'
                          (Hebrews 13:9)


Even when our hearts yearn deeply in the waiting, even when the sorrow seems too much to bear, and even when the future is frail....We are safe. Dear brother and sister, you can be certain of that for your Hope is firm and secure. We have reached our Safe Harbour, our Desired Haven, for He has come down and reached for us. It's amazing how one can have these same revelations in deeper and newer ways continuously....the revelation of Jesus' everlasting and abiding grace. He is strong enough to keep us and hold us, for WE ARE HIS. 
As I walked the dog a couple days after Christmas, I walked past the dentist before 9 am and saw people working there....And I was suddenly afraid I would succumb and forever be doing a job that slowly and surely kills my soul, never moving on or doing what I am meant to do because of fear or indecision. I know that's an unfair judgment on some who have no choice (and not connected whatsoever to dentists!!), but it was what brought up this fear in me. I can sometimes feel like anything I've been blessed with is squandered. Like my life is on hold. And then I read lines like these, 'Think not so much of yourself as a branch, nor of the abiding as your duty, until you have first had your soul filled with the faith of what Christ as the Vine is.' (Andrew Murray, 'Abide in Christ').

REMEMBER. Oh remember my soul, what Christ did for you. How He has SAVED and REDEEMED you when you were but a stranger to His courts. Now look and see, you dwell among His spendour - and indeed IN it (and IT in you!!). Fear not, then, oh my soul....but TRUST. 'Ask the Father by the Holy Ghost to reveal to you what a glorious, loving, mighty Christ this is, in whom you have your place and your life; it is the faith in what Christ is, more than anything else that will keep you abiding in Him.' He told me the other morning, as I was again despairing and doubting, to stop looking at my own heart, and look at His. Accept the faith to trust in Hope again. 


So all that to say, I encourage you (as I, too, am encouraged!) to let your heart be strengthened again by grace. I know that, for me at least, when our hearts have been pierced as with many arrows it can be seemingly impossible to trust in that way again. But remember, dear heart, we are placing our trust in The Trustworthy One. I pray that in this time of new beginnings, your heart may be awoken anew again to the beauties of our Lord's grace - the strength and might and glory of it!

'A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever....'

'.....It's loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness.'

(John Keats)

 'God's finger can touch nothing but to mould it into loveliness.'

(George Macdonald)

 'God hides nothing. His very work from the beginning

is revelation - a casting aside of veil after veil, a showing

unto men of truth after truth. on and on from fact Divine

He advances, until at length in His Son Jesus He unveils

His very face.'

(George Macdonald)

'God Himself - His thougths, His will, His love, His judgements are men's home. to think His thougths, to choose His will, to judge His judgments, and thus to k,now that He is in us, with us, is to be at home. And to pass through the valey of the shadow of death is the way home, but only thus, that as all changes have hitherto led us nearer to this home, the knowledge of God, so this greatest of all outward changes - for it is but an outward change - will surely usher us into a region where there will be fresh possibilities of drawing night in heart, soul, and mind to the Father of us all.'

(George Macdonald)

I was just thinking this morning on my run in the rain....Jesus....Let this Christmas be full to the brim of the knowledge of Your presence. Let the very light of Your face overwhelm us, Lord. Let the unutterable glory of the Incarnation sweep over our eyes and capture our hearts and minds, enabling us to give You the honour and majesty due Your name....our humbe, Servant King of Kings.

'In our world too, a Stable once had something inside it that was bigger than our whole world.'

(Lucy Pevensie, The Last Battle)

Further up and further in.

Unworthy.

Why am I myself....and not someone else? 

Do you ever feel unworthy to be rescued? Unworthy....I think many times we can define ourselves by this word, even without knowing it. I shrink from rescue. I shrink from the Only True Sufficiency. It's like we are frozen sometimes, unable to move forward where You call, through the threshold and up the last push to the top of the mountain. Unable for this paralysing fear. The struggle and striving is so much easier for it does not require me to trust. I shy away from His embrace, holding the Bible up before my eyes and picturing my Lord as disappointed and fed up with my weakness and pain-filled heart. And my reflection makes for a poor hope. At every turn, losing my way foot by foot, my hurt and pain grows for the wounds cannot be healed by human hands...the poverty of self fills my sight and blinds me.


And then just when we think we cannot move any further, You save us from the snare and set us free. You carry us through the threshold, and up the last hill to the mountaintop. And there You stand amongst the tall, golden grass....clothing us in white. Setting us free into the field of Your grace. Your presence rushes through our souls, O Lord, the feel of which never ever changes. You have been faithful our whole lives. You sing to us, 'I will never leave you'.....so we can trust. For we don't see what You see,....yet. We don't know what You know,....yet. But Your whisper is brushing against our ears....awakening the painful, beautiful longing in my heart.....to see Your face. I will trust that You are my Upholder. You are my All-Sufficiency. You are my Protection, Safety, Strength, and my very Breath. 

And even when we feel like all we ask for is rescue, do you know what He says to that? He says, 'I take delight in that'. Rescue away, then, Lord....for I drown when I try to save myself. Is it not beautifully devistating to our self-attempts at salvation that all we have to do is ask?


Your goodness breaks my heart. 
        My soul bursts with  
    LONGING to see Your face.


'All He requires of you is to bring to His fullness your emptiness; to His sympathy your grief; to His unerring wisdom your confusion; and to His sheltering wing your temptations and trials.' (Octavious Winslow). 

'Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret.....though you stumble you will not fall, for the Lord upholds you....we will be protected forever....wait for the Lord and keep His way....He is your stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps us and delivers us from the wicked and saves us, because we take refuge in Him' (Psalm 37). 

'To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages now and forevermore! Amen'. (Jude, verses 24 and 25). 


'When the heart has learned how entirely powerless it is for one moment to keep itself or bring forth any good, when it has learned how surely and truly God will keep it, when it has, in despair of itself, accepted God's promise to do for it the impossible, it learns to rest in God. In the midst of occupations and temptations, it can wait continually....This waiting is a promise. God's commands are enablings. Gospel precepts are all promises, a revelation of what our God will do for us. When you first begin waiting on God, it is with frequent intermission and failure. But, do believe God is watching over you in love and secretly strengthening you in it. there are times when waiting appears just like losing time, but it is not so. Waiting, even in darkness is unconscious advance, because it is God you have to do with, and He is working in you. God, who calls  you to wait on Him, sees your feeble efforts, and works it in you. Your spiritual life is in no respect your own work; as little as you begin it, can you continue it. It is God's Spirit who has begun the work in you of waiting on God. He will enable you to wait continually.' (Andrew Murray, 'Waiting on God'). 

The lark, it waits, its beating breast downcast,
Quiet for the break of day and end of night.
Long has this night laid waste the breath of soul,
Its breadth, the scope, is shrivelled, overstretched.
To duty, honour-bound, it has become
Burdened and shackled to its tree of shame.
The dark of lies, they blight the heart of strength;
In close the walls, the voices overpower.
But hush! Recall, Redemption slew the tree!
Lift up, lift up your eyes my weary child, 
Your Hope, once dead, is woke alive again;
Renewed in songs of grace and starfields vast.
              Dance now in light of sun and promise old,
              New spoken as the spring of joy retold.