Being in community is hard. It's tough man. Sometimes it's painful to open up, to surrender, to be vulnerable, and to show the not-so-well-put-together pieces of your heart. To tear away. But in the end, it's the most glorious way to live your life.
These past two weeks I have felt so very loved, so surrounded. For us, in the community of the love of Christ, when we are perplexed, we are not in despair or abandoned. And this past wee while has taught me that a major reason why that is, is because of those who Christ places around our hearts.
This is not to say that people take the place of Christ in our affections, but they are certainly the holiest and most glorious incarnation of Him in our lives. We are the very image of God, right? And I just want to say how very thankful I am for those that He has placed in my life - past, present, and future....you are all beautiful to me. 'Thankful' seems like such a cheap word, when I consider the depth of what I feel for the people who have surrounded me.....but it's the best I can do.
The bond of friendship is strong, dear hearts. Let us abide in the strength of Love that has been placed in our hearts. Rest in it. Love has come into our hearts, and that is how we shall be known as His - by our love for each other.
'So now I am stuck between hating to let go, and just feeling lucky I have you to miss.'
(Credit to Jane Austen for the title of this post....haha).
Friday, 22 January 2010
Monday, 4 January 2010
With the Dawn of Redeeming Grace.
For the past week, my heart has been drawn back again and again to this verse....
'It is good for our hearts to be
strengthened
by grace.'
(Hebrews 13:9)
Even when our hearts yearn deeply in the waiting, even when the sorrow seems too much to bear, and even when the future is frail....We are safe. Dear brother and sister, you can be certain of that for your Hope is firm and secure. We have reached our Safe Harbour, our Desired Haven, for He has come down and reached for us. It's amazing how one can have these same revelations in deeper and newer ways continuously....the revelation of Jesus' everlasting and abiding grace. He is strong enough to keep us and hold us, for WE ARE HIS.
As I walked the dog a couple days after Christmas, I walked past the dentist before 9 am and saw people working there....And I was suddenly afraid I would succumb and forever be doing a job that slowly and surely kills my soul, never moving on or doing what I am meant to do because of fear or indecision. I know that's an unfair judgment on some who have no choice (and not connected whatsoever to dentists!!), but it was what brought up this fear in me. I can sometimes feel like anything I've been blessed with is squandered. Like my life is on hold. And then I read lines like these, 'Think not so much of yourself as a branch, nor of the abiding as your duty, until you have first had your soul filled with the faith of what Christ as the Vine is.' (Andrew Murray, 'Abide in Christ').
REMEMBER. Oh remember my soul, what Christ did for you. How He has SAVED and REDEEMED you when you were but a stranger to His courts. Now look and see, you dwell among His spendour - and indeed IN it (and IT in you!!). Fear not, then, oh my soul....but TRUST. 'Ask the Father by the Holy Ghost to reveal to you what a glorious, loving, mighty Christ this is, in whom you have your place and your life; it is the faith in what Christ is, more than anything else that will keep you abiding in Him.' He told me the other morning, as I was again despairing and doubting, to stop looking at my own heart, and look at His. Accept the faith to trust in Hope again.
So all that to say, I encourage you (as I, too, am encouraged!) to let your heart be strengthened again by grace. I know that, for me at least, when our hearts have been pierced as with many arrows it can be seemingly impossible to trust in that way again. But remember, dear heart, we are placing our trust in The Trustworthy One. I pray that in this time of new beginnings, your heart may be awoken anew again to the beauties of our Lord's grace - the strength and might and glory of it!
'It is good for our hearts to be
strengthened
by grace.'
(Hebrews 13:9)
Even when our hearts yearn deeply in the waiting, even when the sorrow seems too much to bear, and even when the future is frail....We are safe. Dear brother and sister, you can be certain of that for your Hope is firm and secure. We have reached our Safe Harbour, our Desired Haven, for He has come down and reached for us. It's amazing how one can have these same revelations in deeper and newer ways continuously....the revelation of Jesus' everlasting and abiding grace. He is strong enough to keep us and hold us, for WE ARE HIS.
As I walked the dog a couple days after Christmas, I walked past the dentist before 9 am and saw people working there....And I was suddenly afraid I would succumb and forever be doing a job that slowly and surely kills my soul, never moving on or doing what I am meant to do because of fear or indecision. I know that's an unfair judgment on some who have no choice (and not connected whatsoever to dentists!!), but it was what brought up this fear in me. I can sometimes feel like anything I've been blessed with is squandered. Like my life is on hold. And then I read lines like these, 'Think not so much of yourself as a branch, nor of the abiding as your duty, until you have first had your soul filled with the faith of what Christ as the Vine is.' (Andrew Murray, 'Abide in Christ').
REMEMBER. Oh remember my soul, what Christ did for you. How He has SAVED and REDEEMED you when you were but a stranger to His courts. Now look and see, you dwell among His spendour - and indeed IN it (and IT in you!!). Fear not, then, oh my soul....but TRUST. 'Ask the Father by the Holy Ghost to reveal to you what a glorious, loving, mighty Christ this is, in whom you have your place and your life; it is the faith in what Christ is, more than anything else that will keep you abiding in Him.' He told me the other morning, as I was again despairing and doubting, to stop looking at my own heart, and look at His. Accept the faith to trust in Hope again.
So all that to say, I encourage you (as I, too, am encouraged!) to let your heart be strengthened again by grace. I know that, for me at least, when our hearts have been pierced as with many arrows it can be seemingly impossible to trust in that way again. But remember, dear heart, we are placing our trust in The Trustworthy One. I pray that in this time of new beginnings, your heart may be awoken anew again to the beauties of our Lord's grace - the strength and might and glory of it!
Sunday, 6 December 2009
'A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever....'
(John Keats)
'God's finger can touch nothing but to mould it into loveliness.'
(George Macdonald)
'God hides nothing. His very work from the beginning
is revelation - a casting aside of veil after veil, a showing
unto men of truth after truth. on and on from fact Divine
He advances, until at length in His Son Jesus He unveils
His very face.'
(George Macdonald)
'God Himself - His thougths, His will, His love, His judgements are men's home. to think His thougths, to choose His will, to judge His judgments, and thus to k,now that He is in us, with us, is to be at home. And to pass through the valey of the shadow of death is the way home, but only thus, that as all changes have hitherto led us nearer to this home, the knowledge of God, so this greatest of all outward changes - for it is but an outward change - will surely usher us into a region where there will be fresh possibilities of drawing night in heart, soul, and mind to the Father of us all.'
(George Macdonald)
I was just thinking this morning on my run in the rain....Jesus....Let this Christmas be full to the brim of the knowledge of Your presence. Let the very light of Your face overwhelm us, Lord. Let the unutterable glory of the Incarnation sweep over our eyes and capture our hearts and minds, enabling us to give You the honour and majesty due Your name....our humbe, Servant King of Kings.
'In our world too, a Stable once had something inside it that was bigger than our whole world.'
(Lucy Pevensie, The Last Battle)
Further up and further in.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Unworthy.
Why am I myself....and not someone else?
Do you ever feel unworthy to be rescued? Unworthy....I think many times we can define ourselves by this word, even without knowing it. I shrink from rescue. I shrink from the Only True Sufficiency. It's like we are frozen sometimes, unable to move forward where You call, through the threshold and up the last push to the top of the mountain. Unable for this paralysing fear. The struggle and striving is so much easier for it does not require me to trust. I shy away from His embrace, holding the Bible up before my eyes and picturing my Lord as disappointed and fed up with my weakness and pain-filled heart. And my reflection makes for a poor hope. At every turn, losing my way foot by foot, my hurt and pain grows for the wounds cannot be healed by human hands...the poverty of self fills my sight and blinds me.
And then just when we think we cannot move any further, You save us from the snare and set us free. You carry us through the threshold, and up the last hill to the mountaintop. And there You stand amongst the tall, golden grass....clothing us in white. Setting us free into the field of Your grace. Your presence rushes through our souls, O Lord, the feel of which never ever changes. You have been faithful our whole lives. You sing to us, 'I will never leave you'.....so we can trust. For we don't see what You see,....yet. We don't know what You know,....yet. But Your whisper is brushing against our ears....awakening the painful, beautiful longing in my heart.....to see Your face. I will trust that You are my Upholder. You are my All-Sufficiency. You are my Protection, Safety, Strength, and my very Breath.
And even when we feel like all we ask for is rescue, do you know what He says to that? He says, 'I take delight in that'. Rescue away, then, Lord....for I drown when I try to save myself. Is it not beautifully devistating to our self-attempts at salvation that all we have to do is ask?
Your goodness breaks my heart.
My soul bursts with
LONGING to see Your face.
'All He requires of you is to bring to His fullness your emptiness; to His sympathy your grief; to His unerring wisdom your confusion; and to His sheltering wing your temptations and trials.' (Octavious Winslow).
'Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret.....though you stumble you will not fall, for the Lord upholds you....we will be protected forever....wait for the Lord and keep His way....He is your stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps us and delivers us from the wicked and saves us, because we take refuge in Him' (Psalm 37).
'To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages now and forevermore! Amen'. (Jude, verses 24 and 25).
'When the heart has learned how entirely powerless it is for one moment to keep itself or bring forth any good, when it has learned how surely and truly God will keep it, when it has, in despair of itself, accepted God's promise to do for it the impossible, it learns to rest in God. In the midst of occupations and temptations, it can wait continually....This waiting is a promise. God's commands are enablings. Gospel precepts are all promises, a revelation of what our God will do for us. When you first begin waiting on God, it is with frequent intermission and failure. But, do believe God is watching over you in love and secretly strengthening you in it. there are times when waiting appears just like losing time, but it is not so. Waiting, even in darkness is unconscious advance, because it is God you have to do with, and He is working in you. God, who calls you to wait on Him, sees your feeble efforts, and works it in you. Your spiritual life is in no respect your own work; as little as you begin it, can you continue it. It is God's Spirit who has begun the work in you of waiting on God. He will enable you to wait continually.' (Andrew Murray, 'Waiting on God').
Do you ever feel unworthy to be rescued? Unworthy....I think many times we can define ourselves by this word, even without knowing it. I shrink from rescue. I shrink from the Only True Sufficiency. It's like we are frozen sometimes, unable to move forward where You call, through the threshold and up the last push to the top of the mountain. Unable for this paralysing fear. The struggle and striving is so much easier for it does not require me to trust. I shy away from His embrace, holding the Bible up before my eyes and picturing my Lord as disappointed and fed up with my weakness and pain-filled heart. And my reflection makes for a poor hope. At every turn, losing my way foot by foot, my hurt and pain grows for the wounds cannot be healed by human hands...the poverty of self fills my sight and blinds me.
And then just when we think we cannot move any further, You save us from the snare and set us free. You carry us through the threshold, and up the last hill to the mountaintop. And there You stand amongst the tall, golden grass....clothing us in white. Setting us free into the field of Your grace. Your presence rushes through our souls, O Lord, the feel of which never ever changes. You have been faithful our whole lives. You sing to us, 'I will never leave you'.....so we can trust. For we don't see what You see,....yet. We don't know what You know,....yet. But Your whisper is brushing against our ears....awakening the painful, beautiful longing in my heart.....to see Your face. I will trust that You are my Upholder. You are my All-Sufficiency. You are my Protection, Safety, Strength, and my very Breath.
And even when we feel like all we ask for is rescue, do you know what He says to that? He says, 'I take delight in that'. Rescue away, then, Lord....for I drown when I try to save myself. Is it not beautifully devistating to our self-attempts at salvation that all we have to do is ask?
Your goodness breaks my heart.
My soul bursts with
LONGING to see Your face.
'All He requires of you is to bring to His fullness your emptiness; to His sympathy your grief; to His unerring wisdom your confusion; and to His sheltering wing your temptations and trials.' (Octavious Winslow).
'Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret.....though you stumble you will not fall, for the Lord upholds you....we will be protected forever....wait for the Lord and keep His way....He is your stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps us and delivers us from the wicked and saves us, because we take refuge in Him' (Psalm 37).
'To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy - to the only God our Saviour be glory, majesty, power, and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages now and forevermore! Amen'. (Jude, verses 24 and 25).
'When the heart has learned how entirely powerless it is for one moment to keep itself or bring forth any good, when it has learned how surely and truly God will keep it, when it has, in despair of itself, accepted God's promise to do for it the impossible, it learns to rest in God. In the midst of occupations and temptations, it can wait continually....This waiting is a promise. God's commands are enablings. Gospel precepts are all promises, a revelation of what our God will do for us. When you first begin waiting on God, it is with frequent intermission and failure. But, do believe God is watching over you in love and secretly strengthening you in it. there are times when waiting appears just like losing time, but it is not so. Waiting, even in darkness is unconscious advance, because it is God you have to do with, and He is working in you. God, who calls you to wait on Him, sees your feeble efforts, and works it in you. Your spiritual life is in no respect your own work; as little as you begin it, can you continue it. It is God's Spirit who has begun the work in you of waiting on God. He will enable you to wait continually.' (Andrew Murray, 'Waiting on God').
Sunday, 8 November 2009
The lark, it waits, its beating breast downcast,
Quiet for the break of day and end of night.
Long has this night laid waste the breath of soul,
Its breadth, the scope, is shrivelled, overstretched.
To duty, honour-bound, it has become
Burdened and shackled to its tree of shame.
The dark of lies, they blight the heart of strength;
In close the walls, the voices overpower.
But hush! Recall, Redemption slew the tree!
Lift up, lift up your eyes my weary child,
Your Hope, once dead, is woke alive again;
Renewed in songs of grace and starfields vast.
Dance now in light of sun and promise old,
New spoken as the spring of joy retold.
Quiet for the break of day and end of night.
Long has this night laid waste the breath of soul,
Its breadth, the scope, is shrivelled, overstretched.
To duty, honour-bound, it has become
Burdened and shackled to its tree of shame.
The dark of lies, they blight the heart of strength;
In close the walls, the voices overpower.
But hush! Recall, Redemption slew the tree!
Lift up, lift up your eyes my weary child,
Your Hope, once dead, is woke alive again;
Renewed in songs of grace and starfields vast.
Dance now in light of sun and promise old,
New spoken as the spring of joy retold.
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
Here is Love, vast as the ocean....
'I need Thee every hour, no tender voice like Thine can peace afford. I need Thee, oh I need Thee, every hour I need Thee. Oh bless me now my Saviour, I come to Thee.' ('I Need Thee Every Hour').
It amazes me that there are no prerequisites, nothing we must do to ready ourselves to walk into the presence of the Almighty God. Indeed, Your presence never, ever leaves, Lord. We do not have to say certain things, pick up all the pieces, or work forward from where we have fallen. No. You bring us in and forward. We do not have to recover lost ground. You nullify that 'lost ground' and hand us Your ground....gained and fully paid for.
Oh how I need Thee.
'The Father in heaven is so interested in His child and so longs to have her life at every step in His will and His love that He is willing to keep her guidance entirely in His own hand. He knows so well that we are unable to do what is really holy and heavenly except as He works it in us, that He means His very demands to become promises of what He will do, in watching over and leading us all the day. We may count on Him to teach us His way, and show us His path in special difficulties and times of perplexity, as well as in the common course of everyday life...He is the only source of wisdom and goodness and is every ready, longing much to be to us all that we can possibly require....If we only saw our God in His love, if we only believed that He waits to be gracious, that He waits to be our life and to work all in us - how this waiting on God would become our highest joy, the natural and spontaneous response of our hearts to His great love and glory! My soul, wait thou only upon God!' (Andrew Murray, 'Waiting on God').
I love old dead guys....especially when their writings correspond with old living guys, colliding together in my life in a single day. It is amazing. I have been pondering on the story of the prodigal son (or, rather, God seems to keep bringing it up in my life) ever since I read Tozer's chapter on the mercy of God. Philip Clarke, author of 'A Heart of Compassion' and founder of CAREconfidential (a support network for pregnancy crisis centres in the UK), retold the story. He concluded with this....
'This parable, in just a few short verses, encapsulates the message of the whole gospel of Jesus Christ. We sin, doing things to hurt God and other people. We are selfish, pleasing ourselves before others. If we are humble enough to recognise that we have made a mess of our lives, we sometimes think we can make things better and earn our salvation by doing something for God. And yet as we draw close to God, and come back to him in repentance, we find a father who has humiliated himself further, through the death of his son on the cross and, in rejecting our worthless offerings, bestows salvation upon us freely and without reserve. This salvation is a salvation of joy, a banqueting feast, an eternal embrace with the father. Heaven exploads with celebration when one person repents and turns back to God.' Clarke then goes on to quote Brennan Manning, 'If God had a face, what kind of face would he make at you right now? Would his face say "When are you going to pull yourself together? I am fed up with you and your hang ups. My patience is exhausted, we are going to have to do a little reckoning"? If God said only one word, would the word be Repent? Or would he say "Thank you. Do you know what a joy it is to live in your heart? Do you know that I have looked upon you and loved you for all eternity"? What would God say? What is the feedback you get from your creator?'
It is in this vast and impenetrable fortress of love that we reside, in this boundless and immeasurable love that we can rest. In the spirit of trying to be vulnerable in this wide open cyberland, I thought I'd put up something I wrote several mornings ago (inspired by a few lines of Tozer's chapter).....
The Return
Slowly I walked up the dark street, along the dusty, humble path. I could see the warm lights from the House ahead. A crowd, as usual, had gathered outside; a crowd of half-curious, half-distainful people. How often had I aloofly been one of that crowd, until my great pride drove me away even when I knew I would have wanted to stay?
As I approached the front gate, this pride again rose up as a lump in my throat. What was I thinking? I again self-doubted my ability to actually go through with this decision. It had made so much sense a week ago when I had begun my journey back. But as I had passed through the familiar fields and towns of my childhood, I was no longer as sure of myself. Standing amongst the crowd at the front gate, the unsurity nearly smothered any last vestige of desire I might have to uproot the pride. How could I return to a Home, to a Father, whom I had stormed out on so long ago? I still remember the shouting. The slamming of doors, blinding shoving things into a small bag as I ran out. But I remember the hurtful words the most. Oh those words. the magnitude of their erroneous and spiteful nature weighed heavy on me. I had wanted Him dead, dead for all the things that I did not understand. For all the 'why's' left unanswered, all the hurts left unaccounted. I knew now how utterly wrong I had been. Yet I stood there, listening to the heckling beside me. It would be easier not to approach the door, easier to exclude myself from this party as I had done so many times before. The warm, friendly, and joyful voices inside haunted me, drawing my heart in an inexpressible way; flooding me with memories.
I remembered the innumerable intricacies of that House. The beautiful, home-like rooms full of handmade craftsmanship. My Father had been a carpenter at one point....He liked to make things with His hands. I remembered the dinners, friendly gatherings, and glad hearts that had so oftened gathered around us in that House. Oh how happy a childhood and youth I had had. When had that seed of resentment, that rift, begun to grow? Self-condemnation overpowered me. How could I have let that happen? I had been given such an incredible gift of a Home, of a Father. I had squandered it, thrown the life back in His face, turned my back, and left. More than that, I had hated Him.
The life I had lived in exchange was no life at all...and now I was returned. Empty-handed. Empty-hearted. I had absolutely nothing to give but a pleading voice, a voice peading for mercy, Would my Father forgive me?....I had nothing else. No other place to go and nothing else to do. I knew that only here would my heart be satisfied again, would I be at peace. I had to try at least. That was my plan, to work for His favour.
Doubts gnawing at me, shaking with every movement, I lifted the latch on the gate and took a faltering step forward. Halfway to the door, I saw it spontaneously open and the warm, golden light flooded the darkness. And there He was. My Father. I could not see His face for the darkness....so I tentatively stepped up to the door frame and turned my face upward. He stepped down and the biggest smile erupted over His face, 'Oh my darling, precious daughter!!' He exclaimed in a booming voice, announcing to the world my return. I was surrounded by His strong arms. I tried to whisper out my explanations, apologies, sorrow....He would not hear them, silencing them in one breath saying, 'COME IN'. I could feel the eyes on my back from the crowd, this interchange having silenced them for once. But all of the sudden I didn't care. All of the sudden none of this mattered, and I had a feeling that it would never matter agian. 'Let's get these wet things off of you, you must be freezing, and there's food and dancing to be had...oh, but if you're tired never fear, your old room is ready for you....' He continued in a stream of happiness.
As I stepped through the threshold, His arm around my shoulder propelling me forward, the music, joy, and love overwhelmed me. A multitude of smiling faces welcomed me as He shut the door on the darkness outside. 'Father', I began. He turned His face down towards me, now pensive and thoughtful, '....I don't know what to say or how to say it,' I brokenly started, 'but.....I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve any of this. I never expected it....I'm.....I'm sorry. For all of it. For me. For the words. For the silence....I'll do anything, anything at all to make it up to you.' I had been looking at my feet as I said this, the weight of His arm heavy on my shoulder. As I finished, He turned me towards Him and lifted up my chin.
'Daughter....I know. But there's no need, no need to work at fixing anything up. It's all forgiven. You are my daugther. Nothing, nothing, will ever change that. I love you, I always have. And oh my dear, how much have I missed you!' He broke out into His biggest smile with those words. And as He did so, the inklings of joy at the realisation of what He had said began to grow in my heart. The realisation that no eternity of service or bondage awaited me....but an eternity of joy was rolling out in front of me like the dawn. I smiled, weakly, but I smiled.
Tears streamed down my face.
I was Home.
How great is HIS faithfulness, my friends?
....as great and big as He is.
It amazes me that there are no prerequisites, nothing we must do to ready ourselves to walk into the presence of the Almighty God. Indeed, Your presence never, ever leaves, Lord. We do not have to say certain things, pick up all the pieces, or work forward from where we have fallen. No. You bring us in and forward. We do not have to recover lost ground. You nullify that 'lost ground' and hand us Your ground....gained and fully paid for.
Oh how I need Thee.
'The Father in heaven is so interested in His child and so longs to have her life at every step in His will and His love that He is willing to keep her guidance entirely in His own hand. He knows so well that we are unable to do what is really holy and heavenly except as He works it in us, that He means His very demands to become promises of what He will do, in watching over and leading us all the day. We may count on Him to teach us His way, and show us His path in special difficulties and times of perplexity, as well as in the common course of everyday life...He is the only source of wisdom and goodness and is every ready, longing much to be to us all that we can possibly require....If we only saw our God in His love, if we only believed that He waits to be gracious, that He waits to be our life and to work all in us - how this waiting on God would become our highest joy, the natural and spontaneous response of our hearts to His great love and glory! My soul, wait thou only upon God!' (Andrew Murray, 'Waiting on God').
I love old dead guys....especially when their writings correspond with old living guys, colliding together in my life in a single day. It is amazing. I have been pondering on the story of the prodigal son (or, rather, God seems to keep bringing it up in my life) ever since I read Tozer's chapter on the mercy of God. Philip Clarke, author of 'A Heart of Compassion' and founder of CAREconfidential (a support network for pregnancy crisis centres in the UK), retold the story. He concluded with this....
'This parable, in just a few short verses, encapsulates the message of the whole gospel of Jesus Christ. We sin, doing things to hurt God and other people. We are selfish, pleasing ourselves before others. If we are humble enough to recognise that we have made a mess of our lives, we sometimes think we can make things better and earn our salvation by doing something for God. And yet as we draw close to God, and come back to him in repentance, we find a father who has humiliated himself further, through the death of his son on the cross and, in rejecting our worthless offerings, bestows salvation upon us freely and without reserve. This salvation is a salvation of joy, a banqueting feast, an eternal embrace with the father. Heaven exploads with celebration when one person repents and turns back to God.' Clarke then goes on to quote Brennan Manning, 'If God had a face, what kind of face would he make at you right now? Would his face say "When are you going to pull yourself together? I am fed up with you and your hang ups. My patience is exhausted, we are going to have to do a little reckoning"? If God said only one word, would the word be Repent? Or would he say "Thank you. Do you know what a joy it is to live in your heart? Do you know that I have looked upon you and loved you for all eternity"? What would God say? What is the feedback you get from your creator?'
It is in this vast and impenetrable fortress of love that we reside, in this boundless and immeasurable love that we can rest. In the spirit of trying to be vulnerable in this wide open cyberland, I thought I'd put up something I wrote several mornings ago (inspired by a few lines of Tozer's chapter).....
The Return
Slowly I walked up the dark street, along the dusty, humble path. I could see the warm lights from the House ahead. A crowd, as usual, had gathered outside; a crowd of half-curious, half-distainful people. How often had I aloofly been one of that crowd, until my great pride drove me away even when I knew I would have wanted to stay?
As I approached the front gate, this pride again rose up as a lump in my throat. What was I thinking? I again self-doubted my ability to actually go through with this decision. It had made so much sense a week ago when I had begun my journey back. But as I had passed through the familiar fields and towns of my childhood, I was no longer as sure of myself. Standing amongst the crowd at the front gate, the unsurity nearly smothered any last vestige of desire I might have to uproot the pride. How could I return to a Home, to a Father, whom I had stormed out on so long ago? I still remember the shouting. The slamming of doors, blinding shoving things into a small bag as I ran out. But I remember the hurtful words the most. Oh those words. the magnitude of their erroneous and spiteful nature weighed heavy on me. I had wanted Him dead, dead for all the things that I did not understand. For all the 'why's' left unanswered, all the hurts left unaccounted. I knew now how utterly wrong I had been. Yet I stood there, listening to the heckling beside me. It would be easier not to approach the door, easier to exclude myself from this party as I had done so many times before. The warm, friendly, and joyful voices inside haunted me, drawing my heart in an inexpressible way; flooding me with memories.
I remembered the innumerable intricacies of that House. The beautiful, home-like rooms full of handmade craftsmanship. My Father had been a carpenter at one point....He liked to make things with His hands. I remembered the dinners, friendly gatherings, and glad hearts that had so oftened gathered around us in that House. Oh how happy a childhood and youth I had had. When had that seed of resentment, that rift, begun to grow? Self-condemnation overpowered me. How could I have let that happen? I had been given such an incredible gift of a Home, of a Father. I had squandered it, thrown the life back in His face, turned my back, and left. More than that, I had hated Him.
The life I had lived in exchange was no life at all...and now I was returned. Empty-handed. Empty-hearted. I had absolutely nothing to give but a pleading voice, a voice peading for mercy, Would my Father forgive me?....I had nothing else. No other place to go and nothing else to do. I knew that only here would my heart be satisfied again, would I be at peace. I had to try at least. That was my plan, to work for His favour.
Doubts gnawing at me, shaking with every movement, I lifted the latch on the gate and took a faltering step forward. Halfway to the door, I saw it spontaneously open and the warm, golden light flooded the darkness. And there He was. My Father. I could not see His face for the darkness....so I tentatively stepped up to the door frame and turned my face upward. He stepped down and the biggest smile erupted over His face, 'Oh my darling, precious daughter!!' He exclaimed in a booming voice, announcing to the world my return. I was surrounded by His strong arms. I tried to whisper out my explanations, apologies, sorrow....He would not hear them, silencing them in one breath saying, 'COME IN'. I could feel the eyes on my back from the crowd, this interchange having silenced them for once. But all of the sudden I didn't care. All of the sudden none of this mattered, and I had a feeling that it would never matter agian. 'Let's get these wet things off of you, you must be freezing, and there's food and dancing to be had...oh, but if you're tired never fear, your old room is ready for you....' He continued in a stream of happiness.
As I stepped through the threshold, His arm around my shoulder propelling me forward, the music, joy, and love overwhelmed me. A multitude of smiling faces welcomed me as He shut the door on the darkness outside. 'Father', I began. He turned His face down towards me, now pensive and thoughtful, '....I don't know what to say or how to say it,' I brokenly started, 'but.....I'm sorry. I know I don't deserve any of this. I never expected it....I'm.....I'm sorry. For all of it. For me. For the words. For the silence....I'll do anything, anything at all to make it up to you.' I had been looking at my feet as I said this, the weight of His arm heavy on my shoulder. As I finished, He turned me towards Him and lifted up my chin.
'Daughter....I know. But there's no need, no need to work at fixing anything up. It's all forgiven. You are my daugther. Nothing, nothing, will ever change that. I love you, I always have. And oh my dear, how much have I missed you!' He broke out into His biggest smile with those words. And as He did so, the inklings of joy at the realisation of what He had said began to grow in my heart. The realisation that no eternity of service or bondage awaited me....but an eternity of joy was rolling out in front of me like the dawn. I smiled, weakly, but I smiled.
Tears streamed down my face.
I was Home.
How great is HIS faithfulness, my friends?
....as great and big as He is.
Tuesday, 13 October 2009
Antidote.
It has been two weeks of antidotes. Back and forth. Illness and cure. Depression and peace. Sorrow and joy. Mockery and worship. As I struggle to dispell this cloud that has settled over me for the past four or so days, I thought that maybe writing it out would help since I can't seem to discover why it's here. So I begin in a rather selfish vein, I'm afraid. I do so hope you'll forgive me.
I think there must be this residue that is clinging onto me. And I am afraid that I choose to listen to it rather than the Voice of truth ever knocking on my heart (....or the mice currently squeaking in between the walls of my room). Why is that? I wasn't particularly going anywhere with that thought....
....Or maybe I was. I don't know about you, but I can get so bogged down in the longings and desires of this life. And maybe they're not bad longings. Maybe they're noble ones, ones we were created for. But they're still substitutes. And that Voice is ever calling....
Oh my brothers and sisters....The grace and mercy of Almighty God is overwhelmingly good. I shall be utterly confounded throughout eternity by it, because IT has existed from before time began and shall exist evermore. Tozer said, 'If we could remember that the divine mercy is not a temporary mood but an attribute of God's eternal being, we would no longer fear that it will someday cease to be....Nothing that has occurred or will occur in heaven or earth or hell can change the tender mercies of our God. for ever His mercy stands, a boundless, overwhelming immensity of divine pity and compassion. As judgment is God's justice confronting moral inequity, so mercy is the goodness of God confronting human suffering and guilt.....' He goes on to say about grace that it is, 'His goodness directed toward human debt and demerit....Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines Him to bestow benefits upon the undeserving....Its use to us sinful men is to save us and make us sit together in heavenly places to demonstrate to the ages the exceeding riches of God's kindness to us in Christ Jesus.'
The grace of Jesus Christ is the cure - the antidote - of the world. And it is only through Your wounded hands, my Lord, that we might be made whole and healed.
'We must keep in mind also that the grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.....We can never know the enormity of our sin, neither is it necessary that we should. What we can know is that 'where sin abounds, grace did much more abound.' To abound in sin: that is the worst and the most we could or can do. The word abound defines the limit of our finite abilities; and although we feel our iniquities rise over us like a mountain, the mountain nevertheless, has definable boundaries....But who shall define the limitless grace of God? Its 'much more' plunges our thoughts into infinitude and confounds them there. All thanks be to God for grace abounding.' (Tozer)
Oh wanderer return. Return to Him and His astoundingly large heart of love. Let His grace lift that heavy weight of shame from your shoulders. It can be almost an hourly thing, I know....and it takes trust. But He is so gentle with our hearts. He is on our side.
So I have returned to what seems like a theme here....A theme that won't go away no matter how much shame I pile on, trying to bury myself away. No matter how depressed I get, how foggy my mind becomes, how despairing of this world, or how lost I feel, this theme remains. This theme of Christ's everlasting grace....waiting on God. Be still my soul. And sing. For You have taken it all away. My punishment and shame, sin and disgrace, hurt and pain. BE GLAD, and REJOICE. For I have been delivered from my enemies. The King, the Lord is WITH me, and never ever again will I fear harm. My hands will no longer be limp, my eyes downcast, for You, my Lord God are with me....and You are MIGHTY to SAVE. You take an unfathomable delight in me. You quiet me with Your love. You rejoice over me with singing' (paraphrase of Zeph. 3).
We have a LIVING HOPE.
Sorry about this post not being quite that put together. I'm not really sure if I was trying to say anything in particular or if I said all I was originally going to say. It just kinda came out....and whatever left, in its place is a peace.
Thanks for listening, little corner of the world. Farewell....'with eyes wide open to the mercies of God' (Romans 12).
I think there must be this residue that is clinging onto me. And I am afraid that I choose to listen to it rather than the Voice of truth ever knocking on my heart (....or the mice currently squeaking in between the walls of my room). Why is that? I wasn't particularly going anywhere with that thought....
....Or maybe I was. I don't know about you, but I can get so bogged down in the longings and desires of this life. And maybe they're not bad longings. Maybe they're noble ones, ones we were created for. But they're still substitutes. And that Voice is ever calling....
Oh my brothers and sisters....The grace and mercy of Almighty God is overwhelmingly good. I shall be utterly confounded throughout eternity by it, because IT has existed from before time began and shall exist evermore. Tozer said, 'If we could remember that the divine mercy is not a temporary mood but an attribute of God's eternal being, we would no longer fear that it will someday cease to be....Nothing that has occurred or will occur in heaven or earth or hell can change the tender mercies of our God. for ever His mercy stands, a boundless, overwhelming immensity of divine pity and compassion. As judgment is God's justice confronting moral inequity, so mercy is the goodness of God confronting human suffering and guilt.....' He goes on to say about grace that it is, 'His goodness directed toward human debt and demerit....Grace is the good pleasure of God that inclines Him to bestow benefits upon the undeserving....Its use to us sinful men is to save us and make us sit together in heavenly places to demonstrate to the ages the exceeding riches of God's kindness to us in Christ Jesus.'
The grace of Jesus Christ is the cure - the antidote - of the world. And it is only through Your wounded hands, my Lord, that we might be made whole and healed.
'We must keep in mind also that the grace of God is infinite and eternal. As it had no beginning, so it can have no end, and being an attribute of God, it is as boundless as infinitude.....We can never know the enormity of our sin, neither is it necessary that we should. What we can know is that 'where sin abounds, grace did much more abound.' To abound in sin: that is the worst and the most we could or can do. The word abound defines the limit of our finite abilities; and although we feel our iniquities rise over us like a mountain, the mountain nevertheless, has definable boundaries....But who shall define the limitless grace of God? Its 'much more' plunges our thoughts into infinitude and confounds them there. All thanks be to God for grace abounding.' (Tozer)
Oh wanderer return. Return to Him and His astoundingly large heart of love. Let His grace lift that heavy weight of shame from your shoulders. It can be almost an hourly thing, I know....and it takes trust. But He is so gentle with our hearts. He is on our side.
So I have returned to what seems like a theme here....A theme that won't go away no matter how much shame I pile on, trying to bury myself away. No matter how depressed I get, how foggy my mind becomes, how despairing of this world, or how lost I feel, this theme remains. This theme of Christ's everlasting grace....waiting on God. Be still my soul. And sing. For You have taken it all away. My punishment and shame, sin and disgrace, hurt and pain. BE GLAD, and REJOICE. For I have been delivered from my enemies. The King, the Lord is WITH me, and never ever again will I fear harm. My hands will no longer be limp, my eyes downcast, for You, my Lord God are with me....and You are MIGHTY to SAVE. You take an unfathomable delight in me. You quiet me with Your love. You rejoice over me with singing' (paraphrase of Zeph. 3).
We have a LIVING HOPE.
Sorry about this post not being quite that put together. I'm not really sure if I was trying to say anything in particular or if I said all I was originally going to say. It just kinda came out....and whatever left, in its place is a peace.
Thanks for listening, little corner of the world. Farewell....'with eyes wide open to the mercies of God' (Romans 12).
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